Obsession
by BeSmiley
Summary: Pansy is fed up with everything so she decides to become the strong and hardworking girl she was before Draco Malfoy happened. Along the way, she'll find an unlikely ally and a better future than she could have dreamed of.
1. Chapter 1: New Beginning

**Hello! **

**Here is a new fiction I've been working on since a few weeks. I only have the first chapter and a lot of ideas which I don't really know how to put together. I decided to post the first chapter in order to see if I'm going on a good road with this story and to see the reactions you guys will have. :) **

**Pansy will be the main character, tough Hermione will be featured quite strongly too.**

**First, I'd like to say that Scarlett Byrnes is definitely the person I see when I talk about Pansy (though Pansy doesn't think she's as beautiful as Scarlett Byrnes- low self-confidence hum hum). **

**Second, I guess it's an AU since I gave Pansy a sister, and I made up a university. Also, the characters may be a little OOC even though I'm trying hard not to make them.**

**Third, I created a poll to help me chose with who Pansy will end up with. Even though I'm strongly leaning towards a muggle OC I'd really like to know what you guys think. :)**

**I really appreciated all the reviews for Walking in circle, thank you all so much :)**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter :) and I'm sorry for all the spoilers in this very long author note :P**

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**Chapitre 1: New beginning**

"_So here's to new beginnings_

_And here's to breaking free_

_Let's chase a new horizon, _

_Chase who we're meant to be"_

_New Beginnings- Luminate_

I always needed to have an obsession. When I was in my first year at Hogwarts it was to have good grades, in my second year it was to put Severus Snape in my pocket, in my third year I wanted nothing more than for Draco Malfoy to love me. And this last need or obsession was my downfall. The more he rejected me, the more I wanted him. Our relationship, if I could call it this way, was unhealthy. To him I was nothing but a whore who shared his bed while to me he was everything. Now in my eight year I could do nothing but take every psychological blow he gave me. I quickly wiped the tears which suddenly sprang free from behind my close eyelids.

Everything had changed when I saw him, not an hour ago, coming into the great hall his arms draped around the Weasley girl, looking happier than I ever saw him, and kissing her. Obviously, Ronald Weasley stood up straight away and started screaming and admonishing his sister. I wouldn't know how it ended though as I left the room right away. The look of pure love and happiness he sported burned into my eyelids.

_What did Weasley have more than me? Was she more beautiful? More clever? Wittier?_ With a groan I stood up and made my way to the floor length mirror in the corner of the room. I knew that I wasn't the most beautiful girl of the school but looking at my reflection now just made me see myself in a whole new light…. I was far uglier than what I thought. I was small and had a bit of extra pounds. My wavy hair was unruly, dry and a dark shade of brown, it looked like I hadn't brushed them since last year. It looked like I still had baby fat on my cheeks. My eyes were big and a dull green, and my teeth uneven. It made me want to cry, and I finally allowed myself to let my tears flow freely, after many years of repressing them.

Then again, I'm not sure why I'm so surprised and hurt. It was obvious since the beginning that Draco would never love me. But still for him I changed, trying to be the girl he wanted. From the shy, nice and hardworking little girl I became the mean, bully and love-struck fangirl. I hate who I became, I just wish I could go back in time and change my mind, tell my younger self that if someone loves you it's for who you truly are and not for some fantasy.

I know I should have felt regretful before everything that happened today and even though I was a bit, never to this extent. He humiliated me for the last time and I guess it was the last straw. I can't take any more pain. I wouldn't be able to win him back even if I wanted anyway. Next to Ginevra Weasley I don't stand a chance.

I think what is worst in the story is that he didn't even bother breaking up with me beforehand. When he kissed her the whole student body looked at me waiting for me to throw a tantrum or say something… I guess I disappointed them. I didn't do anything. I was already up because I had finished eating. At that moment I felt numb and empty, and maybe a bit nauseous. So I just walked out of the room like nothing happened.

Now that I really think about it, maybe I can come back to being myself, be who I was before, be me, Pansy Scarlett Parkinson. After all, if I became a bully it's only because I wanted him to love me and since he made it obvious that he despised me it was only fair that I start living my life again.

Anyway, the one good thing with the Christmas holidays being in a week is the fact that I won't see his face again for two whole weeks. Everything will be better. I will be able to go back home, maybe work a bit to raise my grades even though they were acceptable, and take care properly of Gardenia, my little sister. She's 5 but contrary to me nobody knows of her because she is a squib. My parents didn't want to have our name degraded by that. It's finally time I show her that I don't think she's worthless, she's actually the person I love most even if I never showed her.

Stopping my train of thoughts Daphne Greengrass stormed in the eight year girl's dormitory.

"Pansy! I'm sorry!" She said in her annoying voice, faking concern. She had a small smile which showed me that she was indeed nothing but a hypocrite and a liar.

"Don't you worry Daphne, I'm okay." _I guess I'm like_ _her_, I thought, laughing internally.

"Are you sure? When you ran away everyone started whispering about you and about how heartbroken you were. So I walked as fast as I could to comfort you."

I raised an eyebrow shaking my head. Was she serious? I was here since one HOUR and surely the walk from the great hall to here didn't take that long.

"Daphne I didn't run away. I had finished eating." I said rolling my eyes. Well, I had taken the decision to get back to myself a few minutes ago and I was already the strong willed, witty, and sarcastic eleven years old I was before.

"Oh please we all know that you love him."

"Even if I loved him it wouldn't be any of your concern now if you can please leave me alone I'd appreciate it." I said, harshly.

She huffed and went away, but not before slamming the door. I rolled my eyes again and went to sit down. It was time for me to start planning a future.

I took a notebook out of my bag and opened it, revealing my cursive yet round writing. I didn't open that book since I was fourteen. It was my diary from when I was little. I flicked it until I was at the last page.

_Dreams:_

_1. Graduate from Hogwarts_

_2. Go to witchcraft university_

_3. Run Witch Weekly magazine_

_4. Create my own magazine_

_5. Marry the love of my life and have children_

_6. Own a library _

_7. Have 12 house elves_

_8. Go out with Draco Malfoy_

_9. Have Draco Malfoy as my first kiss_

_10. Marry Draco Malfoy_

_11. Be happy…._

I look at the last one and smiled slowly. I had written my eleventh "dream" when I was fourteen after I saw Draco kiss some girl from Slytherin. Without Draco now I was going to be happy and I couldn't wait for it to happen. Suddenly a thought occurred to me. The deadline to apply to a university in the wizarding world was in a week.

I quickly went to search into my trunk for the pamphlet which the teachers gave us. Witchcraft University was the best magical university in the whole world and fortunately they had a journalism course. I took the applying form which was with the pamphlets and filled it. I quickly decided that I would go ask every professor for a recommendation letter tomorrow, until one would nicely agree. Once I finished my applications I decided to go to sleep, hopefully avoiding all those obnoxious Slytherin girls who would surely come and bother me.

I now had a new obsession but thankfully this one was much healthier than the last one. I was now inclined to do everything that was in my power to help my little sister have the life she deserved. Tomorrow would be a better day.

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**I hope you all liked it. Let me know what you think :) And if any of you is interested in beta reading this, PM me! :D And sorry for the lack of Hermione.**

**Have a nice day/night! **


	2. Chapter 2: The bitch is back

**Hey ! :)**

**Two chapters in two days! Woop Woop! :P xD So I'd like to thank Kaoru Takeda and starboy454 for reviewing and to the people who favorite and followed this story :)**

**starboy454:**** Thank you :)**

**Kaoru Takeda:**** Thank you ! :) I read some stories with Pansy's point of you but she was always a bit fragile or too OOC. Not that she won't be a bit here, because I tried creating a depth to this character which JK obviously thought didn't exist (I'm not bashing JK xD) and I'm not sure if I'm doing a very good job at describing her feelings. And I couldn't help the HHR xD I'm a fan! **

**I don't own anything or else there would obviously be more HHR and I just love Elton's song! :D**

**Anyway, on to the chapter! Hope you enjoy!**

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**Chapter 2: The bitch is back**

"_I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch_

_Oh the bitch is back_

_Stone cold sober as a matter of fact_

_I can bitch, I can bitch_

_'Cause I'm better than you_

_It's the way that I move_

_The things that I do"_

_The bitch is back – Elton John_

"Thank you so much Professor." I smiled sweetly at McGonagall and went on my way. The old McGonagall had been surprisingly very nice about that letter and had agreed to write it faster than I thought. I smiled. Today was a pretty good day!

I ran to the Slytherin common room and into my dorm, falling in front of my trunk. I opened it quickly and took the university application from it. I reread it quickly, watching out for any mistake, did the same with my cover letter and smiled satisfied. I had just recuperated my recommendations letters from Snape, McGonagall and the old Flitwhick which I had asked them to write this morning. I put every paper in an envelope and went to the owlery. Once my letter was on her way, safely tucked on an owl's paw, I decided to go eat lunch before going to study in the library. If I wanted to secure that place in WU I had to pass my N.E.W.T with flying colors!

"Parkinson." I heard Draco drawl.

"What do you want?" I asked, turning around slightly to look at him. He looked dashing, as usual. His grey eyes were trained on me, watching me like a hawk. Surprisingly he was alone, his little girlfriend not hanging out of his arm.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"Great hall though I don't think it concerns you." I answered spitefully. "Look, Draco, I'm not sure why you're talking to me since you never really bothered to do it before but I actually need to go." I hoped to whatever god there was that he didn't hear the small tremor in my voice.

I didn't wait for an answer and nearly ran away from him. Suddenly, I didn't feel that hungry so I headed to the library instead, hoping that doing my homework would get him out of my mind.

I had done enough of crying yesterday, I needed to be strong now. It might take me weeks or years but I would get over him. I had to. I took a deep breath and opened the library doors.

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She couldn't understand them. Weren't they best friend since 7 years? Maybe it didn't mean that much to them. Maybe she made that all up in her head. She sighed harshly while rolling her eyes and walked into the library. She quickly found a deserted table and threw her bag loudly on it, sitting down and waving an apology to Ms Pince.

"Are you okay?"

Hermione looked up at the harsh voice. "Why shouldn't I be?" She asked, raising an eyebrow defiantly.

Parkinson rolled her eyes and went back to her schoolwork, shaking her head while the Gryffindor looked around again, deep in thoughts.

Best friends…. Maybe they didn't even know what it meant. Or maybe she didn't… She sighed, putting her head in her hands. She shouldn't be this angry, it was absolutely normal after all for teenagers to want to spend more time with their girlfriends than with their best friends. However it was utterly ridiculous for the best friend to be jealous of the girlfriends. Then again, if it was just Ronald who had abandoned her in order to be with his girlfriend, she wouldn't have taken it that hard since she could still have talked and spend some time with Harry. But no! Her two best friends had found girlfriends at the same time, leaving her alone to wallow in self-pity… Why was it so easy for them (for Ronald) to find a girlfriend while it was so hard for her to get a boyfriend? Victor Krum didn't count. He was nice but definitely not what she was looking for. Sure she dreamed of romance but not a bunch of roses every one hour! And yes, she also wanted and wished for independence… but not that much independence, they didn't leave in the same country! She sighed again, banging her head on the table. It wasn't fair that Harry had a girlfriend.

"Are you finished?" The same harsh voice whispered again.

"What do you want again?" Hermione looked up, glaring at the brunette who looked a bit different than usual.

"Not that I hate watching you try to break your head against the table but I'm trying to study." Pansy answered, rolling her eyes while motioning to her books.

"Well, sorry." She replied sarcastically, while dropping her head against the table again.

"Look, if you so wanted Potter you should have stepped up before, instead of letting that Brown girl have him and then coming cry a river over him in the library." The Slytherin half yelled, insisting on the word library.

"Potter? I mean Harry? He has nothing to do with all of this!" Hermione replied spitefully after straightening up.

"Boohoo your little Potter's got a girlfriend that's why you're mad, so snatch your head out of your ass and stop being a clueless bitch about it." Parkinson said, standing up and leaving the library.

Hermione breathed deeply and turned back towards her book, lost in her thoughts yet again. What was Parkinson talking about? Harry wasn't _her little Potter_. Sure she was mad because he had a girlfriend but it wasn't because of some hidden feelings. She was _alone_. Both of her best friends had left her _alone_. But why was she angrier with Harry than Ron?

She looked around, and decided to leave. Maybe going to talk to Ginny about what she did yesterday would be better than sitting there and thinking. For once she wished she could just turn off her brain.

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Well I said I was going to be strong, not that I was going to stop being a snarky bitch.

"That girl should have her head checked out!" I whispered, climbing the stairs toward my dorm. _Oh no!_

"Well look who's here! We didn't see you in a while, Parkinson?" Millicent Bulstrode barked, laughing with some other Slytherin girls, Daphne sitting in the middle.

"And?" I raised an eyebrow defiantly, walking to my bed and putting my bag on it.

"And how is it being the used rags thrown away after use?" She asked, smiling widely.

"How is it looking like a hag who just got out of a sty?" I asked, smiling too.

"What did you call me?" She asked, standing up and running to me.

"A hag." I said again, pronouncing every syllable distinctively. I smiled again and turned around to put a book out of my bag.

"At least I'm not the whore who was dumped for a Weasel!" Millicent laughed.

I turned back around quickly, angrier than ever. I swallowed and tried to control myself.

"No, you're the idiot who no one likes and who looks like she just stepped of a book about the goblin's rebellions." I replied sardonically.

"Millicent." Daphne screamed, when she saw that the girl was about to punch me. "You'll be able to do that when we won't have to go back home and when there's no way anyone will see her bruises." She said haughtily.

"Or yours." I replied, smiling at her, taking my bag again and going out of the Slytherin common room.

"Who would want her now?" I heard Daphne say loudly, while laughing with the other girls, before the door to the dorm finally closed.

_No one I guess_, I thought. I closed my eyes tightly, hoping my tears would go away. One second more with these girls and I was sure I would have killed one of them. I quickly made my way to the room of Requirement and decided to sleep there tonight. I only had to remember to wake up early tomorrow in order to take a shower and change before my classes began.

This was maybe going to be harder than I thought. These girls were going to taunt me until I broke. I will need to show them that no words can hurt me or else... It will just be a downward spiral I guess. They will never leave me alone until I break. _The bitch is back…_, I thought, or _is still here at least_. I laughed loudly at myself and fell on the bed, hugging the fluffy pillow. _Come on five days more until the holidays_. I couldn't wait to see my little Gardenia, these holidays were going to be wonderful.

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**I hope you like it :) Let me know what you think!**

**And, I hope the switch of point of you wasn't too strange!**

**Love,**

**Rose**


	3. Chapter 3: Forget him

**Happy Monday! Thanks again for the review, favorites and followers! To apologize for the wait, I tried to write a longer chapter ^^ and I put a preview of the next chapter at the end :D**

**HairyLimey****: Here it is :D Hope you like it!**

**I don't own the characters or the HP universe, and certainly not the wonderful song that is Forget Her by the incredible Jeff Buckley. **

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 3: Forget him**

"_Oh my tears are falling down as I try to forget _

_Her love was a joke from the day that we met _

_All of the words all of the men_

_All of my pain when I think back to when _

_Remember her hair as it shone in the sun _

_The smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done _

_Tell yourself over and over you won't ever need her again"_

_Forget her- Jeff Buckley_

I was nervous. I felt like I was eleven again, walking into this big and beautiful castle waiting to be sorted and hoping that old hat would scream Slytherin and nothing else. And here I thought my morning had started well…

When I woke up that morning, I had hurriedly walked to my dorm to take a shower and get dressed before going for breakfast. I had hoped that none of _my lovely friends_ would be there. I don't think I could have handled another confrontation like yesterday. To my surprise, the corridors and the Slytherin common room were empty when I went through them. I had quickly prepared myself, then took my things for class and went to eat.

Now here I was, in front of the great hall, my stomach tied into knots. I had to options, either I went in, acting like nothing was bothering me and being a strong girl or I could walk away and go directly to class, still nervous about seeing everyone but the big moment delayed for a bit. I sighed, I may as well go in right now. Maybe things wouldn't be as hard as I thought they were going to be.

Before opening the doors of the great hall, I took a deep breath to try to sooth my nerves.

"Come on." I whispered as an encouragement.

I pushed one of the big wooden doors and went in. I held my head high and quickly walked to the first available space, and started eating, hoping to get out of the lion's den quickly. I knew they were going to be eyes on me, but this was pretty ridiculous. I felt like the entire castle was looking at me. I heard a few whispers, and I saw a few pointed looks or fingers directed at me. I swallowed my pumpkin juice and tried to act like I usually did. _They can't get to me_, I thought again and again, trying hard to believe those words.

I couldn't help but look around the Slytherin table. Draco wasn't here thankfully but his two gorillas were, eating like pigs. The group of Slytherin girls was far away from me luckily, but the looks and laugh they were sharing, as well as the smirk Millicent threw my way left no room for speculations as to what their topic of conversation was. I smiled cruelly back at her and continued to eat while looking around the table.

Suddenly I was face to face with a beautiful smirk and I saw Blaise Zabini looking at me questioningly, asking if I was alright. I shrugged and smirked back, pushing my hair off of my shoulder. He nodded smiling and turned back toward his plate and the person sitting in front of him.

I sighed happily once I finished my plate and stood up, looking disdainfully at the people who turned towards me when they caught my movement. I quickly dashed away from the great hall, my smile growing wider. The further I walked, the better I felt. My nervousness washing away with every step I took.

My little trip to the great hall hadn't been the worst experience I ever had but it still felt like I had accomplished something. Hopefully, today nobody would dare talk to me. I had not entirely proved that I could be someone without Draco but it still was a step in the good direction. As long as _I_ knew that I didn't need him, everything would be alright. I could forget him... I had no choice on the matter.

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Thursday

I had been lucky since Monday. My _friends_ didn't talk to me- then again, I wasn't sleeping in the same dorm anymore, choosing to spend my time in the room of requirement instead. Actually, no one had approached me which was absolutely fine by me. Of course there was a few disgusted look thrown my way but I didn't let them get to me, after all, who were those people to judge me.

Like all good things though, my luck had to end somewhere. Unfortunately for me, it had ended a few minutes ago when I had caught Draco and Weasley in a corridor, their hands tightly clasped in each other, eyes locked together. I had quickly hid in an alcove behind a little statue, hoping that they didn't saw me. They did look good together… I closed my eyes, trying to swallow back the sobs which wanted to escape.

"Dray I really think we should tell our parents. I'm actually surprised Ron didn't say anything." Weasley finally interrupted the silence which had fallen.

"You scared him yesterday." Draco laughed softly.

It was the first time I heard him talk this way. No snicker, no hate, just pure softness and love. He had never talked this way with him… He was always hard…. Then again, he had never loved me, I thought, tears finally falling from my eyes. I had been foolish, thinking that maybe he was just hiding his eternal love for me behind a mask of indifference because he didn't like people to know what he really felt... That he didn't want people to know that he was in love with me. But if he loved me he wouldn't have cheated on me all this time, if he loved me he wouldn't have gone to Weasley, if he had ever loved me even just a little bit he would have told me that he wanted to break up with me instead of humiliating me. I knew that I wasn't the nicest or the most beautiful, I knew that I was stifling. But I just wanted him to love me. _Was it too much to ask?_ I just wanted someone to love me. I sobbed, clutching a hand to my chest which now hurt.

I was broken out of my thoughts by Weasley's beautiful laugh. "That's right. He sometimes forgets that he's just my brother, not my mom."

I didn't know it would hurt that bad to see him with her. I swallowed hard and tried to top my tears. He looked happy…. Oh, how I wish he wasn't. It was his fault after all if I was this way, if I wasn't me. I changed because I wanted him to love me and look where it got me.

"Gin' not here." Draco laughed.

"There's no one." The ginger told him, smiling wickedly while I rolled my eyes, tears still flowing out freely.

He laughed and kissed her, putting a hand in her hair. I closed my eyes tightly at that. He had never kissed me like that. It was always a peck, and I always had to ask him or force myself on him just to have an ounce of affection. It was never like this… Never passionate, or filled with love, lust and tenderness. Just hard chapped lips against mine.

I couldn't take it anymore and decided to turn around and run. I felt so many indescribable emotions. I hated Weasley yet I felt like it was my fault. I had pushed him away because I wasn't as good as her, because I was just me.

I run and nearly fell down a flight of stairs, my tears blurring my vision. I turned a corner, a hand wiping at my eyes when I collided into a solid form. I fell down hard, hurting my hand in the process. I looked up at the idiot who didn't watch where he was going.

"What do you want Longbottom?" I said harshly while standing up and touching my tender wrist.

"No…Nothing, I was just passing." He replied quietly looking shocked to see my tears strained cheeks.

"Well move faster." I barked.

He scrambled away, scared. I sighed and hurried away to my room, hoping that no one would be there. I wanted to pack my things and then bring them to the room of requirement, making my move there permanent. I couldn't wait to go home. Thinking of going away from this place lifted my mood significantly.

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Friday:

I walked through the castle, not really knowing my destination. The only thing I knew is that it hurt badly… _Very badly_. I had the chance to see them together yet again but this time was harder on me. I had heard them profess their love to each other. It was just a simple peck and two uttered _I love you_'s but still it hurt.

I always knew he didn't love me but I still had a bit of hope that maybe someday he would see me, the real me: a scared, vulnerable yet strong young women. My last bit of hope had been crushed though, he had chosen an enemy over me, a sob racked my body. People usually say that falling in love is a beautiful experience and that the hurt which goes with it is worth it. Those people were obviously clueless muggles.

Maybe what I felt for Draco wasn't love… Maybe I wanted it to be love so much that it became that. What is love anyway? Just a foolish words which people use for nothing and everything at the same time, for a person or piece of furniture… But if it wasn't love, why was I so hurt over this.

A sniffle broke through the air. I brushed the tears away from my cheek and stilled suddenly, realizing that the sound was not coming from me but from a huddled mass on the stairs a few feet away. I approached slowly and looked at the form. I didn't know if I should talk or not. I swallowed and chose to break the silence, the person had already seen me anyway and was trying to hide her tears.

"Granger?" I asked, trying to make my voice void of any emotion.

Granger looked up, tears streaming down her face which was contorted in a grimace.

"Are you hurt?" I asked unsure.

"What are you doing outside of your dormitory at midnight?" The bushy haired girl asked in between hiccups, trying to sound like the head girl she was supposed to be.

I sighed. I knew why the girl was crying. I had seen the looks she gave Potter all through their childhoods, or her face every time that idiot got a girlfriend. Even if I didn't like the girl at all, heartbreak wasn't something I would want for her. I had heard that the girl had lost her parents during the war. She was as orphaned as I felt.

"You matter, I might not like you, but you matter." I whispered softly, trying hard not to let my mask of indifference slip away. I might not be her biggest fan but I sometimes felt a bit of admiration -among the incommensurable amount of hate and pity- for the girl who helped save the wizarding world.

"Why are you saying that?" Hermione asked, looking defeated and slumping down even more on the stairs.

I swallowed. "Everyone should hear it." _Because I didn't_.

She nodded but didn't look at me. "Thank you I guess."

"Don't mention it…. _Really_." I finished disdainfully.

I turned around and started walking again, sighing harshly at what I just did. Being nice to the bookworm was definitely not something I had on my To Do list today.

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**What did you think? Not too OOC? :/ Have a nice day/night :) Free cookies for reviews :P Kidding xD Though, I would gladly accept free cookies!**

**Let me know what you think :) Here's the preview:**

"_**Watch where you're going." I said harshly, looking around frantically for my little sister.**_

"_**Well I'm sorry." Said a beautiful tenor voice. I turned around suddenly to look at the person who was attached to that melodious voice. For the first time in a while I was speechless. The boy – or man?- had dark brown curly hair, nearly black, and bright blue eyes. He was way taller than me, probably 5"10' and had a bit of muscles but not too much. He smiled at me, waiting for an answer.**_

"_**It's okay." I whispered softly.**_

_**He laughed. "I also asked you if that little girl over there wasn't who you were looking for." He smiled brightly while pointing to Gardenia who was sitting next to some ducks, talking to them."**_

**So, I guess you already figured it out but next chapter we're introducing the muggle OC. ^^ I hope you will like him, I kind of do :P xD Let me know what you thought of this chapter and preview :)**

**Have a nice day guys!**


	4. Chapter 4: Reason to hope

**Hey guys! I hope you're having a great week! Here it's a bit crazy since my finals are next week :(**

**I'm apologizing in advance for any mistakes but it's late and I absolutely wanted to update this today… well tonight… **

**Thanks for the review, follow and favorite! :D **

**I don't own the Hp universe and this wonderful and magnificent song that is Reason to hope!**

**Anyway, here's the next chapter, I hope you will like it! :)**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 4: Reason to hope**

"_I just want a reason to hope_

_A reason to know that I should still be here_

_Maybe just a glimpse of the light, a patch of blue sky_

_Something to believe in_

_I just want a reason to hope, a reason to hope_

_Want a reason that I should not let go_

_I want a reason to hope"_

_Reason to hope- Ron Pope_

"Hello there." I smiled, opening the big oak door wider while I stepped inside my bedroom. The room hadn't changed a bit since I've been gone, all the dark wood furniture still in place, not a speck of dust on them. The dark wooden floor was still as polished and the books were still in place, arranged in alphabetical order, on the large bookcase.

"Pansy." I heard a little girl's voice scream from where she was seated at a little coffee table with her teddy bears.

I smiled at her and went to sit on the floor, next to her little chair. "How are you Gardenia?"

She turned to me, a small frown on her face accompanied by a smile. "Good and you?"

I swallowed slightly, knowing that I had left her confused. I was usually very reserved with her, my parent's upbringing leaving me scared of their punishment if they had caught me showing any kind of emotion which wasn't hate, intolerance or hypocrisy. The fact that my little sister was a squib also made them decide that I shouldn't associate with her, since she was a '_lesser human_' than us… At least they still thought she was human…

"I've been good." I finally answered, grimacing, not really knowing what to say. Nonetheless, the answer seemed to satisfy her because she leapt off her chair to hug me.

"I missed you." My little sister managed to say, her head deeply nuzzled into my neck and her tiny little arms tightening around me.

"I missed you too sweetie." I answered, kissing the top of her head, hugging her tightly to me.

"Really?" She asked, looking up, bright blue eyes twinkling.

I gulped, nodding, tears coming to my eyes. I really was the worst sister if I had let Gardenia believe that I couldn't miss her.

"What were you doing?" I asked softly, trying to hide my sadness as well as my disgust. I used to cry at night after I was forced to act like she wasn't even here, like she was invisible, but little by little it started being a routine. Forgetting my sister's existence was a habit. I suddenly felt sick. Her laugh brought me out of my little day dream and she pushed herself off of me a bit.

"We were having tea but Mr. Bunny was being mean." She said pouting, mentioning to a white bunny.

I laughed. "Well, maybe we should tell him that if he wants to have tea again he will have to behave."

She smiled at me brightly and nodded, turning around to face the table. "You heard Mr. Bunny. Be nice!"

I smiled, pushing a few strands of her brown hair behind her ears.

"You're not sad anymore?" Gardenia suddenly asked me, turning around.

I took a sharp intake of breath and replied. "I'm not anymore."

At that instant I felt sicker, but the feeling soon disappeared when she smiled and hugged me again.

* * *

A few days passed, Gardenia and I growing closer and closer. She was happy about my change and it comforted me into the fact that it was exactly what I had to do in order to be happy, but also to make her happy.

"Pansy." I heard my mom scream, pulling me out of my thoughts. I put the book I was reading down on my bed and descended the large stairs, walking into what she had dubbed as her 'tea room'. There was dark brown wood from floor to ceiling and one window framed by big drapes in garnet red matching perfectly the two velvet sofa scattered around a tiny wooden table.

"Yes mother?" I answered curtly.

"What exactly is this?" She asked me, mentioning to a letter on the coffee table, next to where she was sitting.

"May I?" I asked, referring to the letter.

She nodded, glaring at me, wrinkles appearing in her forehead. She looked older than her age, years of unhappiness and unfulfilled dreams showing on her tan complexion. Hopefully I wouldn't end up like her.

I took the letter quickly and opened it.

_Miss Parkinson_

_We appreciate your interest in Witchcraft University and the Wizard Journalism course for which you applied. You will receive the answer to your application once all applications and all NEWTs score have been reviewed. Thus, you can expect an owl in July._

_Thank you, again, for your interest in our university. _

_Regards,_

_Mr. Milnerfire, Head of Witchcraft University_

"I hope for you that this is just a mistake." I heard my mother hiss.

"There is my name written." I said softly, trying hard not to make her angry- well, angrier.

"I am not sure what you are trying to achieve Pansy but you will contact them shortly and cancel this _application_." She huffed, looking at me intently.

I waited for a few minute before answering. "No." It was the first time I ever answered my mother. Usually I would have been too scared, but it was now or never if I wanted to make a change in my life.

"No?" She laughed sharply. "Pansy, it wasn't a question. You will cancel it or you can be sure this will go to your father, and you know he will be more unforgiven than I."

I swallowed. "I really want to go to university." I replied, faking a confident tone. "I want to work."

"Women don't work." My mother exclaimed, standing up.

"Well, mother dearest, I am very sorry if I will not become like you. I'll have you know that sitting in a chair, sipping tea, while looking at the horizon isn't really my thing." I answered dramatically, turning around and running up the stairs until I was in my room. I knew that it wasn't the end, I had defied her and she would push until she had what she wanted. I sighed, willing my tears not to spill, banging my head on the door.

"Are you okay?" I heard the little voice which belonged to my little sister ask me. I looked up. She was on my bed, tucked under the blanket looking at me with bright blue eyes.

"I am." I sighed, going into my bed. I lay down next to her, and she came into my arms. She had adjusted fairly quickly to me being nice.

"I didn't ask you but why was your tea table in my room last time?" I asked her, putting a hand in her hair.

"I like it here." She answered, yawning.

I nodded. There was nothing special in this room though. The only precious items I had were some of the books and the clothes, and surely a five year old wouldn't care about those. I looked down and saw that she was on the brink of sleeping.

"What do you say about going to the park with me tomorrow?" I asked suddenly.

Gardenia smiled sleepily and nodded. "Yes, with bunny and the others?"

"We'll see if they want to come too." I smiled, kissing her forehead. "Come on now, let's sleep."

* * *

"Gardenia!" I said again loudly. Where was she? She was beside me not two seconds ago! I sighed, my panic getting the best of me and looked around, while running.

Suddenly I collided with a tall boy which nearly sent me to the ground if the boy hadn't caught me.

"Watch where you're going." I said harshly, looking around frantically for my little sister.

"Well I'm sorry." Said a beautiful tenor voice. I turned around suddenly to look at the person who was attached to that melodious voice. For the first time in a while I was speechless. The boy – or man?- had dark brown curly hair, nearly black, and bright blue eyes. He was way taller than me, probably 5"10' and had a bit of muscles but not too much. He smiled at me, waiting for an answer.

"It's okay." I whispered softly.

He laughed. "I also asked you if that little girl over there wasn't who you were looking for." He smiled brightly while pointing to Gardenia who was sitting next to some ducks, talking to them.

"Oh thank god." I whispered and quickly ran to Gard and hugged her.

"Pansy! You're scaring them!" The little girl said.

"I'm sorry darling." I smiled, sitting down next to my sister. "Are we feeding the ducks?" I asked, trying to make the panic which had griped me a few seconds ago disappear.

"Yes they told me they were hungry." Gardenia nodded forcefully.

"Here's some bread if you want." The boy I had ran into said, giving Gardenia the bread he had obviously purchased.

"Oh no, keep it." I said quickly, intercepting the bread.

"I'm not a big bread eater anyway." He shrugged, smiling.

I nodded, giving the bread to Gardenia while rolling my eyes at the conversation we were having.

"Maybe a date?" The boy suddenly asked, still smiling like a fool.

"A date?" I asked looking incredulously at the guy who was now sitting next to me. _What the hell?_

"Yes, to repay me." He said, nodding like it was natural.

"Repay you for what exactly?" I asked, huffing.

"Well you did run into me."

I laughed. Was he serious? I looked back at him and saw that, indeed, he was.

"I can't." I answered finally, still doubtful of what exactly he wanted.

"What about as friends?" He replied still smiling.

"No." I replied sharply.

"Why don't you want to be friends with him?" Gard' said, looking at me with bright blue eyes.

"I don't know him Gardenia." I replied, trying not to sound too harsh.

"Cooper Turner M'am. Nice to meet you." He smiled, holding his hand out for me to shake.

"Gardenia Penelope Parkinson." Gardenia smiled shaking his hand.

"Gardenia." I said sharply. "What did we say about not talking to stranger?"

Gardenia looked down lightly, the tears brimming her eyes making me sad. "But we know his name now."

"Yes, but it doesn't mean we know him, love." Gardenia looked up, and nodded.

"I like him though. So, can we know him?" She asked in her little voice.

The stranger now known as Cooper laughed. "You can know me if you want."

"I don't know." I replied, frowning slightly at the little tears which were gathering at the corner of Gardenia's eyes.

"Live a little." Cooper smiled. "I swear I won't say anything inappropriate." He said wriggling his eyebrows and sending me a dazzling smile.

I raised an eyebrow, unconvinced.

"At least, I'll try." He laughed, putting a hand in his hair, giving me a good look at his biceps.

I sighed and nodded. "Okay." I answered, knowing that it would make Gardenia happy. We will just have to stand him up.

"Yeah!" Gardenia replied, hugging me.

"Great!" He looked at Gardenia. "What do you say about going to lunch with me tomorrow?"

"We'll feed the ducks?" She asked smiling and looking at the small animals.

"Well, we'll feed ourselves and then the ducks." He nodded. The little girl nodded back and went to follow one of the duck behind some bushes, close to the water. Cooper laughed and stood up, running behind her. "You know what his name is?"

_Oh god_… What did I agree to? I silently asked myself, looking at the fool who was smiling and clapping.

"Ducky?" Gardenia asked, frowning cutely.

"How did you know?" Cooper asked, clapping again.

"He told me." Gardenia answered, nodding.

"He's pretty awesome isn't he? I think that he has a crush on Becky, the beautiful duck over there." He said nodding, while pointing at an animal in the water.

_Oh my god_…. Maybe we should go home, he's obviously crazy.

"Really?"

"Yes, they might get married if Ducky find the courage to go and talk to her." Cooper said, like he was Ducky's best friend.

"Married?" Gardenia asked. "Because they love each other?" The little girl asked, looking at Cooper for the first time since the start of the conversation.

"Of course!" Cooper answered, looking puzzled. "When we love someone we marry them."

Gardenia looked back at the two ducks and smiled. "Okay. Will we be invited to their weddings?"

"I think so!" Cooper answered smiling. "Well, at least I hope so! But Ducky is really shy!"

"We should help them!" Gardenia said excitedly.

"You shouldn't force someone into getting married, love." I answered coming beside them, trying not to sound too put off by their conversation.

"Your sister is right." Cooper nodded. "She's your sister right?" He asked me.

I nodded, looking disdainfully at him. "Obviously."

"Can we go get ice cream Coop?" Gardenia interrupted me. I frowned… _What? Coop? Really?_

"Of course!" Cooper nodded excitedly. "Come on!" He said gesturing to a stand not too far away.

Oh joy! Now I was stuck with a muggle for the rest of the afternoon… _Still better than Granger or Weasley_ I thought.

* * *

**So what did you think? How's Cooper? ^^ Review/ Follow and favorite will give me an enormous amount of courage for my finals :P :) (and will make me happy :P)**

**Let me know your thoughts on this chapter :) The poll is still open though I have an idea of where this is going and I already** **wrote a draft of the last chapter! ^^ **

**Here's a little preview of the next chapter: **

"_Weren't you supposed to go with Potter and Weasel?" Pansy asked, smirking._

_Hermione crocked an eyebrow. How did she know? Well, maybe she had heard some rumor at school._

"_Too much noise." Hermione finally replied, putting down the jean she was looking at._

"_Or snogging." Pansy laughed, pushing her hair off of her shoulder._

"_Or that." Hermione looked at her, frowning. "Anyway, where is your friend?"_

**Have a nice day/night…! :)**

**PS: I'm still looking for a beta!**


	5. Chapter 5: I can't make you love me

**Thank you for the review, follow, and favorite :)**

**Samana1990****: Thanks for the advice :) I changed it, I hope it's less confusing now :)**

**LeeArt****: Answering that would be giving away too much of the plot :P **

**The beginning is ****Hermione's point of view**** and then we have a third person point of view.**

**I don't own anything!**

* * *

**Chapter 5:** I can't make you love me

"_I'll close my eyes, then I won't see_

_The love you don't feel when you're holding me_

_Morning will come and I'll do what's right_

_Just give me till then to give up this fight_

_And I will give up this fight"_

_I can't make you love me- Bonnie Raitt_

**Hermione's point of view:**

"I can't make you love me if you don't." I sang softly, turning the radio off and swallowing. I looked around my kitchen and sighed.

I had started my Christmas holidays at the burrows and I found out quickly that there wasn't any place for me there. Besides helping Molly Weasley in the kitchen I didn't do much. My two best friends were two preoccupied with their girlfriends and Ginny had stayed in Hogwarts, because of her boyfriend obviously. It seems like everyone had a significant other beside me. This is why I found myself on Christmas Eve singing a sad love song while doing the dishes.

After my encounter in the library with Parkinson, I had taken a few days to think about my life as well as my feelings. I had finally come to terms with the fact that I liked Harry more than necessary. I also had come to terms with the fact that he didn't feel the same. He had said countless and countless of times that I was his little sister; this was proof enough for me. I needed to focus on myself for now and try to erase those feelings as much as I could, that's why I went back home.

Indeed, the few days I stayed at the Weasley's had been really bad for me so I had taken refuge in my childhood home, which was strange since I had passed as little time as I could here, the memory of my parents to vivid in my head. It hurts so much to know that I wouldn't be able to celebrate any more Christmases with them, that I wouldn't be able to hug or kiss them, or say I love you…

I slowly sank down in front of the kitchen sink, tears streaming down my face. There was like a big ball of pain gathered inside my chest, I felt like it would burst any minute with the force of my sobs but I couldn't stop. I could still smell them, I could still feel them, I could still see my mother hitting my father's shoulder slightly while laughing because he had say some mean comment about a football player on TV. I could hear them laugh; I could see their smiles… But it was fading. The memories weren't as vivid as before and that hurts even more. How could a child forget their parents? Was I not attentive enough while creating those wonderful memories?

I wiped quickly my tears and stood back up. I had to be strong; I couldn't let myself fall like that because I knew that I wouldn't be able to get back on my feet. If I kept on thinking and questioning everything I would just sink into a depressive state of mind, something I absolutely needed to avoid.

I took a few deep breaths in order to sort myself out and turned back around, jumping slightly when I came face to face with Hedwig who was waiting for me, perched on the window seal. I smiled softly, and took the letter from her, petting her gently.

It was obviously a letter from Harry, maybe telling me how much everyone was having fun.

_Dear Mione,_

_How are you? I hope everything is alright for you. I miss you. Why did you go so suddenly? If you need anything do not hesitate to contact me, please. Even Ron, I mean yes he can be an idiot but we are here for you if you need anything. Anyway, don't drown into books Hermione, I know you._

_Everyone is sending you their love. Merry Christmas Mione._

_Love,_

_Harry_

Ismiled softly and went to take a paper and a pen in one of the drawers. I then sat myself at the kitchen table and started writing.

_Hello Harry,_

_Everything is good for me don't you worry. I needed a bit of space, nothing to worry about. I miss you too._

_Much love_

_Hermione_

I attached the small letter on Hedwig's paw and watched as she flew off. I soon lost her, her white feathers indistinguishable from the snow.

I really did miss those two idiots. I sighed, maybe I should go and buy those books I wanted right now. After all, they were the only things which were going to keep me entertained.

* * *

**Third person point of view:**

"Granger?" Hermione heard a surprised voice ask behind her.

"Parkinson." The Gryffindor replied, equally astonished. "What are you doing here?" She then asked. They were after all in a muggle clothing store. What could have possessed the Slytherin girl to put a foot in the muggle world?

"Does it concern you?" Parkinson questioned, furrowing her brow.

The Gryffindor rolled her eyes, and turned back around looking in a rack full of jeans, leaving Pansy's statement hanging in the air.

"I'm here with a friend. What about you?" The Slytherin finally replied.

"Alone." She sighed. She wasn't sure if it was out of frustration with the Slytherin girl or just because of her best friends. _The two_, she decided.

"Weren't you supposed to spend the holiday with Potter and Weasel?" Pansy asked, smirking. _Trouble in paradise for the golden trio, huh?_

Hermione raised an eyebrow. How did she know? Well, maybe she had heard some rumors at school. "Too much noise." She finally replied, putting down the jean she was looking at.

"Or snogging." Pansy laughed, pushing her hair off of her shoulder.

"Or that." Hermione looked at her, frowning. "Anyway, where is your friend?"

"Running around." The Slytherin laughed lightly, for the first time.

Hermione nodded, looking at her in wonder. Pansy was prettier laughing and out of her school uniform. Her light blue jeans and black coat suited her better than the outfit she wore at school and her long brown hair framing her face looked much more beautiful than her usual updo.

"You're different." Hermione said, still looking at the other girl intently.

"And?" Pansy replied, her defenses coming back suddenly.

"It's strange." The bushy haired bookworm said, in a dreamy voice, rivaling Luna Lovegood's one.

Pansy arched an eyebrow, unconvinced. "Good for you."

Hermione nodded, finally realizing how strange this conversation -and meeting- was.

"Well, I have to go." The Gryffindor said.

"I'll see you at Hogwarts Granger."

"Merry Christmas Parkinson."

Pansy nodded and turned around.

* * *

Parkinson was definitely strange. Maybe it was because of Ginny and Malfoy. Apparently Parkinson still thought they were going out together when she saw them in the great hall. A knock startled her out of her reverie and she dropped the book she was trying to read on the coffee table.

"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked shocked, when she opened the door.

Harry was standing in front of her, smiling slightly with a hand in his disheveled hair.

"Well… I thought you would be happy to see me." He laughed.

"I am." She smiled, hugging him. She held him tight during a few seconds and let go quickly.

"But what are you doing here Harry?" She asked again, mentioning for him to go in.

"Nobody should spend Christmas alone." He shrugged, sitting down on the couch.

She smiled. "Thank you."

"It's normal." He answered, looking at her softly.

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" Hermione asked, rising from the couch.

"No thank you." He smiled.

"How have been things at the burrow?" Hermione sat down next to him again.

"They've been fun but we missed you. Luna and Lavender went back to their families for Christmas."

Hermione nodded, waiting for him to go on.

"I didn't think she could have a decent conversation." He suddenly said.

"Who?" Hermione furrowed her brows, turning her head to look at him.

"Lavender." He answered, smiling lightly at her. "Before we started dating I didn't know she was this deep."

Deep? Did she hear well? She had never imagined that this word would ever be associated with someone like Lavender.

"I'm sorry to say that Harry but you may be a bit confused."

He laughed. "I know this seems strange but I guess we didn't know her that well. I mean, before we started dating I never had any meaningful conversation with her."

"Well I have and that's how I can assure you that she isn't the brightest bulb in the Christmas tree."

He laughed again, smiling fondly at her. "You're being mean, Hermione."

"Is it my fault if she has the IQ of a pea?" She asked offended while he laughed even more.

"You know, I should be mad that you're talking like that about my girlfriend." He smirked.

She suddenly stopped glaring at him, realizing her previous word. "I am sorry Harry."

"It's okay."

"But really, it's not my fault she's dumb." She continued, as if he hadn't interrupted her. "I spent seven and a half year in the same dormitory as her. I think that by now I know her fairly well to say it."

He smiled brightly, pushing a hand in his hair. "I missed you."

She looked at him, smiling. "I missed you too. But what did you say to the Weasley's?" She then asked. Surely they wouldn't let him go without an explanation.

"I told them that I would convince you to come back." He answered simply.

"Harry, I don't think you will."

"But why? Did we do something wrong?" He asked, taking her hand in his and squeezing it.

"No. It's just that I need some time to collect myself. I want to be alone for a while." She squeezed his hand slowly when she felt his grip getting looser. "Please don't take it the wrong way but I need to think and being in a house where it wasn't possible to have a minute of peace isn't what I need at the moment."

He sighed, closing his eyes. "I understand but you know you could have come to me."

"It's not something I want to talk about, I have to do it on my own. I need to think and wrap my head around everything that happened. I realized that I didn't give myself enough time for it."

He nodded, squeezing her hand. "I should go then."

Hermione swallowed the lump which was growing in her throat but nodded nonetheless. "I'm really sorry Harry."

"I know. Take the time you need, Mione." He stood up, pulling her up with him.

"Thank you so much." She smiled, hugging him again.

"We will be okay." He whispered in her ears, tightening his arms around her. "I'll see you back in Hogwarts, alright?"

She nodded, smiling tearfully at him.

Harry swallowed, looking deeply into her eyes. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"

"I'm sure." She whispered. "I will miss you all."

"We will too." He smiled at her, not letting her step out of his embrace. "I'll write you."

Hermione nodded and kissed his cheek before taking a few steps away from him. "I'll see you in less than two weeks."

He smiled. "You can count on that." He winked before apparating away.

"Bye." She whispered, falling back in her previous seat.

_I'm in love with my best friend_, she thought,_ I don't like him, I love him._

"I'm so screwed." She said, laying down on the couch.

* * *

**Let me know what you think :) I hope you liked this chapter**

**Sorry if there is any mistakes, my brain's going fuzzy after all those exams! I'm still looking for a beta though.**

**Good day/night! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Two chapters in two days! Thank you for the review, favorite and follower!**

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**Guest:**** thank you, here it is :)**

**I hope you will like it! I don't own anything.**

**Back to Pansy's point of view.**

* * *

**Chapter 6: **

"You haven't been to London?" Cooper asked.

It had been a week since I had met him and for a muggle he was kind of nice and had a good sense of humor. So I put up with him for the sake of Gardenia who had taken quite a liking to him. And that's exactly why, a week after I came back home, I was sited in a little Italian restaurant with Cooper, eating the most delicious pasta ever, while snow fell gently on the busy London street.

"Well?" He asked, impatient.

I shook my head 'no', putting some pasta in my mouth. It wasn't a complete lie after all. I did go to Diagon alley or muggle London but not that much.

"Aren't you from here though? I mean, your accent…" He asked, growing serious all of a sudden.

I panicked and cut him off suddenly. "I go to boarding school since I'm little." Hopefully he would just say okay and get back to being the idiotic boy he was before. However, he only nodded, still looking at me intently, looking for God knows what.

"So you don't know London." He said finally, a minute later, smiling brightly like nothing had happened.

I said a quiet no again, confused by his attitude. This guy changed behavior nearly as fast as Longbottom changes cauldron.

"Sacrilege! We have to remedy to that!" He exclaimed.

"How?" I asked, laughing incredulously, still suspicious.

"Well, we'll act like tourists my lady. Come on." He said, taking my hand and tugging me out of my chair. He quickly gave a few bills to a waitress and nearly run out of the restaurant.

"I wasn't finished." I screamed. "Let me go, you barbaric…" I said stopping, and pulling my hand out of his grip.

"We'll eat later, now it's time to have fun!" He said, jumping up and down, before snatching my hand again and starting to run.

"I don't want to." I yelled, trying to yank my hand away from his again, but stopping quickly when I slipped on a patch of ice.

"Yes you do, now shut it."

I huffed, rolling my eyes but ran along with him anyway. _Think of Gardenia, Think of Gardenia_, I whispered to myself. Hopefully, I wouldn't die today.

* * *

"So technically that's where the queen leaves." Cooper finally concluded his twenty minutes long monologue on where the Queen of England leaved, mentioning to the wonderful fortress behind him.

"Cooper… You do know that I am not daft, right?"

"What?" He asked, turning toward me, making the snow which had already gathered in small mounds in his hair fall. "Of course I know." He said, pouting.

"This _isn't_ where the Queen leaves." I told him, patiently, talking as if he was a little child.

"Of course it is!" He screamed. "Hey, in summer we'll even go in if you want! They let people come in to visit all the time!"

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I wanted to go home. Scratch that, I _desperately_ wanted to go home.

"They even have an ice rink, come on!" He yelled joyfully, tugging on my hands which had surprisingly been in his since the beginning of this day.

"This is the Tower of London not Buckingham Palace." I told him, defeated while tugging my hand out of his.

"Yeah I know." He answered, looking at me as if _I_ was the crazy one.

"You know yet you still think this is where the Queen leaves?" I asked, harshly.

"I have this wonderful theory that this is where the Queen hides herself away from prying eyes." He nodded, smiling brightly.

"This is why people can visit it, I assume."

"She likes people." He smiled, nodding dumbly.

"You're an idiot." I replied, not believing my ears.

"But a cute one." He winked and then smirked. "Come on let's go to the ice rink."

"Cooper, I want to go home." I huffed while he took my hand in his.

"Come on, just a little bit! It's going to be wonderful!" He exclaimed, turning around to look at me.

"I can't." I said.

"Please! Pansy!" He whined.

"I'm really tired and I need to go back to Gardenia." I replied a bit more forcefully.

"Oh okay." He said sadly. "Well, what about we go with her next time? There is one in Hyde Park if you want, and then we could go see the Christmas tree in Trafalgar square." He smiled slightly.

I nodded and sighed. "She would like that."

His smile broadened. "Come on, I'll walk you back."

"Oh no it's okay!" I answered quickly.

"Let me do it, at least until your underground station." He said. "And that's final." He nodded.

I agreed quickly, not understanding a word of what he said.

"So I realized that we don't really know each other." He said, after a while of walking in silence.

"And how would you want to remedy to that?" I asked, not harshly for the first time.

"Well let's ask each other questions!" He replied excitedly.

"Okay?" I looked at him questioningly.

"What's your favorite music?" He then proceeded to ask, smiling.

I stopped. "Oh… Euh…. I-I like... huh…"

"Wait!" He exclaimed suddenly while I exhaled. "Let me guess!"

I nodded. "Go ahead" I said faking a smile.

"You're the Rebecca Black type of person!" He jumped, nearly falling.

_Black? What the hell?_

"Yes! Exactly!" I answered anyway. I should as well play along with him since I didn't know anything about what he was talking about. Hopefully that Becca wasn't another crazy Black cousin.

He nodded, smiling slightly at me, looking more amused than ever.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow." I said quickly before he asked another question.

He nodded and smiled. "Goodbye Pansy. Tell Gard I say hello."

"Will do." I answered, turning around quickly to go inside the Leaky Cauldron.

* * *

"I love it here." Gardenia smiled.

I looked around and nodded. Hyde Park in winter was absolutely beautiful but Hyde Park after a snowfall was breathtaking.

"It's beautiful." I told her.

She smiled. "Can we go to the ice now?" She mentioned toward the ice rink where a few people were skating.

"I thought you wanted to wait for Cooper."

She laughed. "Yes but he's coming, look."

I turned around and saw him running toward us.

"You are late." I said when he was at hearing distance.

"I'm sorry. Didn't you receive my text?" He asked.

"Oh." I had forgotten about that thing. A day or two after we met he had helped me buy one, to 'keep the contact' or something ridiculous like that. "Yes I did." I answered. "I just like pointing the fact that you made us wait for nearly ten minutes…."

"Five"

"…In the cold." I finished, ignoring his comment.

"Well I am sorry my lady, now shall we go?" He mentioned towards the ice rink.

"Yes!" Gardenia shouted, taking his hands in hers and running towards a stand which rented ice skates.

"Do you know how to skate?" Cooper asked me, once we all were ready.

I nodded, thinking of the time I spent skating around the lake in Hogwarts.

"I don't." Gardenia interjected.

"Well I will help you young lady."

He winked at her while she sent him a smile, revealing the little gap which now rested at the place of her eyetooth.

"Come on. You're going to love it!" Cooper smiled, taking her in his arms and wobbling until he was on the ice.

"Don't hurt her." I yelled behind him.

He nodded, putting her down.

"Don't let me go." Gardenia yelled, hugging his legs.

"I won't, just take my hand." She did as he said. "Good. Now do the same movement as me."

I had to admit that he was good with her. He knew how to talk to her and how to make her feel safe, something I wasn't sure I could do. I swallowed and joined them on the ice, skating a bit away from them, thinking of everything which had happened since the day I had seen Draco and Weasley together. I was tired of always thinking of him, I knew that it would take time to forget him and as much as I hate to say that, Cooper had helped me forget a bit with all the nonsense which came out of his mouth.

I closed my eyes and reopened them quickly, skating toward my two companions. I was going to make sure that Gardenia kept a good memory of today.

* * *

"It's beautiful." I whispered in awe.

"It is." Cooper nodded, looking at the tree intently. "It amazes me every year."

Gardenia smiled, tightening her hand around mine. "It's amazing."

Cooper smiled tenderly at Gardenia. "It is."

My little sister smiled back before looking at me. "Can I approach it?"

"Go ahead but stay where I can see you."

She nodded and moved toward the big tree.

"When I was a kid my parents used to take me here every 24th." Copper started. "We would look at the tree, and my parents would tell me to whisper him what I wanted for Christmas because the tree would then tell it to Santa." He paused, turning around to look at me. I smiled slightly encouraging him to continue. "I never got that motorbike though." He laughed. "But I did get that puppy."

I smiled. His blue eyes were darker in the night, they seem much more profound. He touched my cheek slowly as to not scare me, and surprised me by putting his lips over mine in a tender kiss. He wasn't harsh like Draco, and his lips were much more delicate against mine.

I stepped back slowly.

"Sorry." He whispered, still looking intently at me.

I nodded while he turned back toward the tree.

"It seems nice." I finally said, once I had collected myself.

He turned a questioning look at me.

"To have parents who cares." I whispered, turning back around toward the tree.

"Every parent cares in their own way." He took my hand in his, squeezing it slightly.

"Don't talk about what you don't know." I fired back, turning back to him and snatching my hand.

"Let's not fight." He said softly.

I stood shocked during a few seconds but nodded anyway.

"How was Christmas?"

"We don't… We don't really celebrate Christmas."

"You don't party, and exchange presents?" He asked, surprised.

"My parents organize a Christmas party every year as well as a New year one."

"When I say party it's more in the sense of family, a family gathering I mean."

"We don't do much as a family." I found myself telling him, looking at Gardenia who was still enraptured by the lights which adorned the tree.

When I didn't hear him answer me for a few minutes, I turned toward him and saw that he was also looking at my little sister.

"I bought her a present this year." I whispered ashamed.

He smiled at me. "Let's have our own little Christmas." He suddenly said.

"Look, I appreciate what you're doing for my little sister but I can't accept." I told him. I didn't need the help of a muggle to make my sister happy.

"Why?"

"Why does it matter so much to you if we celebrated Christmas or not? We aren't the only one."

"I know but…" I interrupted him.

"You know nothing." I told him harshly. "Gardenia, come, we need to go back home, it's getting late." I yelled toward my little sister.

The little girl nodded, defeated but came toward me anyway.

"Pansy I'm…"

"We will see you… when we will see you. Goodbye Turner." I turned around quickly, tugging Gardenia.

"I didn't say goodbye." She said tearfully.

"You will do that another day." I clenched my jaw, squeezing her hand softly.

"Will we see him again?" She asked me, sniffing a bit.

I didn't answer her. Telling her 'no' would hurt her, and I definitely didn't want to make her hate me more than she already did.

* * *

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	7. Chapter 7: Friendship is the key

**Hello! I hope you will like this chapter! :) Thanks for your review, favorite and follower :D 3**

**A special thank you to all the people who reviewed, it really means a lot to me and I love to know what you think of the characters and the plot. Thank you! :)**

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* * *

**Chapter 7:**Friendship is the key

"_When the sun shines, we'll shine together_

_Told you I'd be here forever_

_Said I'll always be a friend_

_Took an oath I'ma stick it out 'til the end_

_Now that it's raining more than ever_

_Know that we'll still have each other_

_You can stand under my umbrella"_

_Umbrella- Rihanna_

_He kissed me._ How the hell did that happen? I didn't even freak out until a few hours ago when I was trying to fall asleep. The scene just came back in my head and enabled me to get a few hours of sleep. Why would he do something like that? Did he have feelings for me? Was he just looking for someone to fill his bed? I turned around in my bed again, trying to get comfortable but knowing that it was to no avail. I was so confused. It was already 8 am anyway; I should as well get out of bed and get ready for this day.

I wasn't ready to face Gardenia after yesterday; I must have hurt her a great deal with what happened. It wasn't my fault if that muggle was trying to pry into our personal affairs anyway. I had already graciously accepted to spend time with him and it definitely wasn't for him to get the wrong idea and try to act like some sort of savior and kiss me.

Oh god… He kissed me and I didn't do anything. How could I not say something! I had left him manhandle me without saying anything. Was I that desperate for affection that I had to look for it with a muggle?

I sighed, burying my head into my pillow. At least I would never see him again. Hopefully Gardenia will forgive me someday. I groaned, standing up and starting to get ready. Once done, I went to the door, taking a deep breath. _Time to make amend_.

"Gardenia, are you awake?" I whispered softly, closing the big oak door behind me.

"Yes." I heard her little voice answer me, from deep within the covers.

"Well get dressed, we're going to take a walk." I told her, walking toward the bed.

"But it's cold outside." She whined.

"Well I'll put a heating charm on your clothes. Is that okay?" I asked her, sitting on her bed, next to her, and touching her hair.

She nodded, smiling at me. "Why do you want to walk?"

"Well I need to think, and I seem to be better at that when walking. I also would like to spend time with you. I'm going back to Hogwarts in a few days."

She nodded again, putting her hand on mine. "I will miss you. Will you write me?"

"Of course, I will. I'm sorry if I didn't do it before." I whispered softly, hugging her to me. I was going to miss her so much.

"It's okay." She kissed my cheek, tightening her hold on me.

"I love you." I whispered, kissing her little nose while she laughed.

"I love you too."

"Good. Now come on, go get dressed and then we're eating breakfast before going."

She smiled at me again, it seemed like she had forgetten the event of last night. _Hopefully_, I sighed.

* * *

"Parkinson."

I turned around, hearing Hermione Granger call me. Oh my, from now on Hyde Park would be crossed off my list of "where to go in London".

"Are you following me?" I asked her, raising an eyebrow.

"I didn't know that London was yours."

"There are a lot of things you don't know." I smirked. "We see each other too much for my taste." I added, after a few seconds of looking at her. She looked tired. I wonder what's keeping her awake at night. Or who... Maybe Potter finally saw what was right in front of him.

"Anyway, what do you want?" I asked, trying to act civil in front of Gardenia who was looking at us questioningly.

"Hello, I'm Gardenia." She finally said, looking at Hermione.

Hermione smiled at the little girl. "Hello there, I'm Hermione."

My little sister nodded. "It's a strange name." She said smiling.

Hermione laughed. "It is."

"But it's unique. I like it, Pansy." Gardenia smiled at me. I smiled back, tugging my hand in her beautiful hair.

"Thank you." Hermione replied, looking at the exchange. "Your name is pretty too."

"Thank you Hermaionie."

Hermione laughed. "Call me Mione."

The little girl nodded again, smiling brightly. "I like it. Pansy can I go feed the duck?"

"Of course, but don't wonder where I can't see you." I warned.

"I'll stay where we sat yesterday with Coop."

I nodded, watching her run away.

"Coop?" Hermione asked after Gardenia went away. "Is that the friend?"

I nodded again, sighing. "Something like that. So, what did you want?"

"Who is she?" Hermione asked back.

"My little sister. Can you answer my question now?" I replied harshly, my patience growing thinner by the minute.

"You're different."

"I beg your pardon?" I asked, looking at her.

"You're different from what I thought. You're still a bully but nicer I guess."

I nodded, laughing sardonically. "Didn't we already have that conversation?" I sighed harshly. "I'm not nice."

Hermione nodded. "What I meant is that you aren't as bad as I thought. We gave Draco a chance, we could also give you one if you wanted." She smiled slightly.

"I don't need 'a chance'" I replied, not believing my ears.

Hermione nodded again. "I didn't know you had a sister."

"Not a lot of people know that."

"So, tell me more about that Cooper. I found it strange that you hate muggles and yet you're friend with him."

"How do you know he's a muggle?" I asked, taken aback.

"You just confirmed it." Hermione smiled.

Pansy rolled her eyes. "There is nothing to say."

"Maybe Draco will see sense someday. I'm sure it's just a Romeo and Juliet phase." Hermione suddenly said, looking at Gardenia who was approaching a beautiful green duck.

"Who?" I muttered, confused.

"Draco." Hermione replied slowly.

"No. Who are those two peoples?" I asked, brow furrowed in confusion.

Hermione laughed. "Romeo and Juliet is a book…"

"Okay you can stop there."

Hermione laughed again while I went to sit down in the snow next to my little sister.

"You were right." Hermione said a few minutes later when she had sat down next to me.

"About what?" I asked, genuinely surprised.

"Harry."

"Oh." Pansy nodded. "It was obvious."

Hermione groaned, putting her head in her hands.

"Not too much don't worry. I guess I saw it because I was also in love with a friend… Though our situations are completely different."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be." I told her, shrugging.

"I know but still. I told Ginny that what she did wasn't thoughtful."

I laughed, looking at her. _Thoughtful_ was an understatement.

"We're not friends anymore." Hermione frowned, looking at me. I stopped laughing and nodded but kept quiet. What did she want me to say?

"Cooper kissed me yesterday." I revealed suddenly, not really knowing why.

"Oh."

"Yeah, _oh_." I sighed.

"I think that you like him."

"I don't."

"Oh come on, you were smiling fondly just thinking about him the last time we saw each other."

I was stuck there. She was right. I wasn't ready, he seemed nice but I wasn't ready to put my heart on the line again. I was still in love with Malfoy and this situation with Cooper would just end in heartbreak. _His_ heart would break, of course, not mine.

"We're still not friends." I suddenly said.

"I wouldn't see it any other way, anyway." Hermione replied smiling, knowing that I obviously wouldn't answer her previous statement.

I nodded at her, and then looked back at Gardenia. Granger sure was something else.

"What's that?" She suddenly asked, hearing a little beep.

"It's my… my… thing.. to-huh- keep in touch?" I asked, putting the device out of my jean's pocket.

"Oh a phone." She laughed.

I nodded. "Yes, it's been doing that since yesterday." I huffed, rolling my eyes.

She laughed again, shaking her head, making her brown curls bounce. "It means someone has sent you a text." She explained.

"A text? Which means?" I huffed.

She laughed again, taking the… phone?... out of my hands. "Look what's your password?"

"Password?" I asked again while she smiled brightly.

"Let's just try four zero's." She told herself, doing something with the phone. "Correct." She shrieked, smiling at me. "Well… You have 14 messages and 6 unanswered calls."

"Can you please talk normally." I asked her again, angry.

"A phone is something with which you can keep in touch with other people. You can call them, like that, and have a conversation with them, just like we do with chimney but without being able to see them. Text messages are just like letters from owl but without owl and you receive the message from someone on the phone."

I nodded, rolling my eyes. _Miss know-it-all_. "So some people tried to contact me."

She nodded. "Look. Touch the screen there." She told me pointing to something. I did as she told me. "Now you can look at your messages." She smiled.

I nodded, looking at the name of the person who sent those text messages. I sighed, it read Cooper Turner.

"Thanks Granger."

"You're welcome." She smiled. "Aren't you going to read them?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't really matter."

"A lot of things seems like they don't, while they do." She told me, looking intently at me.

"_You matter, I might not like you, but you matter."_

"_Why are you saying that?"_

"_Everyone should hear it."_

* * *

_Parkinson_

_How are you? I hope your holidays are going fairly well. Mine are as boring as I expected them to be. Could we meet?_

_Blaise_

I smiled at the letter the large black owl had brought me. I hadn't talked to Blaise in a while. I kind of missed him, he was the only one who cared, even just a little.

_Zabini_

_Everything is going swimmingly, thank you. Meet me tomorrow, in front of the Leaky Cauldron at 3._

_P. Parkinson_

I attached the letter to Blaise's owl and opened the window to let her fly away. Talking to Blaise would maybe help me get my head around everything.

* * *

"I heard about your little rebellion act." Blaise broke the silence, seeping at his butterbeer.

Well, he doesn't waste time does he? We were in the Leaky Cauldron since a few minutes but hadn't talked to each other yet beside the usual cold greetings.

"Good." I nodded. "How?" I finally asked, smirking.

"House elves talk." He shrugged.

I nodded again, looking around at the other customers.

"Pansy, are you sure that you're doing a good thing?"

"Yes. I want to go to university. Why is it such a big deal?" I sighed, looking back at him.

"You're going against your parents' wishes." He told me, trying to sound less cold.

"What am I supposed to do exactly? Acknowledge them and what they want for me and delude myself into thinking that it's the best for me. If I do what they want, I know that I will be unhappy, it's not even a supposition anymore."

"I'm not saying that it's the best thing for you just that you shouldn't upset them." He told me, putting a comforting hand on mine.

"I don't want to live in fear anymore. That's what we've been doing since forever and it didn't bring us any good, did it?"

Blaise nodded, deep in thought. His silence was driving me crazy.

"Blaise, you know that I'm not the type of person to dive into something while not knowing the possible outcomes. I know what I am doing, and what I'm fighting for."

_And who_, I added in my head.

"I want to do what I want, realize my dreams. If I do what they want, I don't think that my life would be complete and full of happiness."

"What do you want exactly, Pansy?" He asked me, narrowing his eyes slightly. "I'm confused here."

"I want freedom, laughter, love, happiness… God, I sound like a Gryffindor." I said, tearfully.

"You do." He laughed softly. "Why now? Why not before?"

"Why not." I simply answered, squeezing his hand. I took a deep breath before continuing. "Will you stay by my side?"

He looked away, thinking. "I will."

I smiled, squeezing his hand again to make him look at me. "Thank you so much, it means a lot to me."

He nodded. "What about Draco?" He whispered.

"What about him?" I asked.

"What he did was selfish…" He started but stopped quickly, not knowing what he was supposed to say.

"He did what he had to do in order to be himself. I actually kind of envy him." I told him, nodding slightly. "He had the guts to stand up for himself and purchase happiness instead of leaving for others."

"Yes, but he hurt you in the process." He told me, anger seeping in his tone a bit.

"There is always someone who's going to be hurt. This time it had to be me." I shrugged lightly, while sending him a small smile.

"You really thought about everything." He smiled, shaking his head slightly as if he didn't believe we were having this conversation.

"Not everything." I laughed. "If I wanted to stop breaking down every time I heard about him I had to try to forgive him, see where he was coming from. I had to try to understand. I just realize that maybe we both felt the same way."

He nodded. "I see what you mean. I didn't talk to him in a while."

"Why?"

"Pansy, we've always been friends. We may have grown apart when we started Hogwarts but I still like to think that I know you by heart just like you do me. If someone hurt my friend then they hurt me." He squeezed my hand, looking into my eyes.

"What? Kind of like an 'us against the world' friendship?" I laughed, running my free hand in my hair.

"If it's what it takes to make you happy, then yes." He smiled.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." I told him, smiling back. "We're Slytherins we aren't supposed to talk like that. I feel like Granger and her dogs." I laughed.

He laughed alongside me and nodded. "True, it's starting to get too sappy for me."

"Well then I'll let you go, I need to go to Gringott's." I told him, standing up while putting a few galleons down.

"Let me come along, I wanted to go there before school starts anyway." He told me, standing up too.

I nodded and smiled. "Alright. It's been good to see you, you know."

_I missed you._

He nodded. "Right back at you, Pan's."

_I missed you too._

I smiled, and let him drag me toward Gringott's. Maybe life wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

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	8. Chapter 8: Going back

**Hello! Thank you to the people who followed, and favorited this story and to the three amazing people who reviewed!**

**thebookworm90:**** I think she should give him a chance too! But Pansy's Pansy and she still is a Slytherin, plus Draco kind of wrecked her so love may not be an option for her right now. We'll see what will happen for her. Thanks for the review and for letting me know your thoughts on Pans! :)**

**melkun****: Oh thank you so much! It's so sweet! :D Here's the next chapter, I hope you will like it!**

**thatharrypottergeekychick16:**** Thank you so much! I try to make Hermione and Pansy act like they usually would but it's so hard! I think that Pansy and Hermione wouldn't be able to jump into a friendship right away I mean it would be too strange. xD I think that a lot of Harry Potter readers/fans… see Pansy as some kind of slut that's why you have a lot of fanfictions like that but I also think that students in Hogwarts see her as one**. **Anyway,** **the "Pansy being a slut" thing will be dealt in a later chapter because I think it's an interesting thing to delve into. But don't you worry, she will NOT be a slut because to me she isn't one- you'll see my point of view on that in the chapter I was talking about. I have so much to say about your comment XD It made me very very happy so thank you so much, I really hope you will like this chapter. Let me know what you think! :) Thank you so much anyway!**

**I don't own anything. Enjoy :)**

* * *

**Chapter 8: **Going back

"_Don't take her she's all I've got_

_Please don't take her love away from me_

_I'm beggin' you friend_

_don't take her she's all I got_

_She's everything in life I'll ever need"_

_George Strait- Don't take her she's all I got_

I couldn't believe that these holidays had passed so fast. It felt like yesterday I was coming home to a huge, empty, manor and a horrendous family- minus Gardenia of course. I sighed, twisting my neck a bit, trying to get the never ending tension out of it. It was already 9 am and we had to be at King's Cross at 10. I wasn't sure what to make of my impending journey. A part of me was excited to go back to Hogwarts while another one was terrified to leave Gardenia alone. What would she do once I was gone? What did she do before? Would someone care enough to play and stay with her? Would someone look at her? Would someone take her to Hyde Park and let her play with Cooper again?

I closed my eyes and turned toward the nightstand. _Cooper_. I swallowed the ball which was stuck in my throat at thinking of Cooper and went to take the phone which was resting close to a lamp. I hadn't talk about him with Gardenia since that day. Even at five year old my sister was more perceptive than most people.

I cracked a small smile and looked back at the small screen. What did Granger say already? Four zeros. I quickly typed it and went to the little bubble icon which apparently meant that I had messages.

**Cooper Turner December 27th – 10:11**

Hey Pans' ! Sorry but I will be late! Apologize to Gard for me, please! See you in a few! –Cooper Turner

Oh, that one was from when he was late to Hyde Park, I smiled. It had been a good day… Until the kiss…. Okay, moving on.

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20:34**

Answer your phone, please

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20:36**

I want to apologize Pansy, please!

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20:38**

Please, pick up the phone. –CT

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20:57**

At least answer my texts…-CT

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20:40**

I'm sorry Pansy I didn't mean it the wrong way, please answer- CT

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20: 45**

Are you really that childish? Answer!

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20: 46**

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that but I'm just frustrated. It's the first time I ever begged someone in my entire life! Please pick up the phone and let me explain – Coop

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20:48**

I'm so sorry, please answer! –CT

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20:57**

I need to apologize Pansy, please –CT

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20:57**

I'm really sorry, I hope you can forgive me- CT

**Cooper Turner December 27****th**** – 20:57**

I'm sorry

**Cooper Turner December 28****th**** – 10:32**

Could we meet please? –Coop

**Cooper Turner December 31th – 16:26**

I understand. –Cooper

Why did that last text hurt so much…?

I sighed, putting the odd device down on my nightstand. It was better if I didn't answer him. Forgiving him -even though I admit that I kind of overreacted- would lead to him spending more time with Gardenia and I, which would lead to Gardenia loving him, which would lead to him becoming my friend, which would lead to me telling him about the wizarding world… Not possible. _Definitely_ not possible.

"Hello." Gardenia walked into my room, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Hey. To what do I owe this pleasure?" I smiled at her, sitting on the bed.

"I came to say hello." She smiled brightly while hugging me tightly.

"Then hello love." I nuzzled her neck making her laugh. "I'm going to miss you so much love." I whispered.

"I will miss you too."

"I promise to send you a letter tonight before bed, alright?"

"Tonight? Is it already time for you to go back?" She asked me, furrowing her brow while her lips quivered slightly.

I nodded, hugging her. "I will write you every day and I'll come see you during the Easter's holiday. Okay?"

She nodded, her big blue eyes shining with tears. "I will write back."

"Good." I smiled softly, kissing her cheek. She tried to smile back but gave up quickly.

"You won't forget about me?" Her little voice wavered while she looked on the brink of crying.

"No. I promise I won't." I pulled her to my chest, kissing her hair. "I'm sorry, I know I wasn't the sister you deserved and I'm still not. I'm sorry if my past behavior makes you think that I never loved you because I always did. I was just afraid."

"You were a little girl." She told me.

"I wasn't a little girl." I huffed. "I was just a terrified one and it didn't give me the right to do what I did to you. I'm sorry." I finished, putting a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"I am too."

"You don't have to be." I told her fiercely, taking her by the shoulders and looking into her eyes. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about."

"I'm sorry for mother and father." She simply replied.

"What do you mean?" I asked, utterly confused.

"Well, it must be horrible to leave with such dark ideas." She smiled warmly.

I laughed at that, maybe out of wonderment or maybe because I was speechless. But I laughed, and I hugged her again. If I didn't love her so much I would have compared her to Loufoca Lovegood.

* * *

"What do we have here?" I heard Theodore Nott drawl, looking at Granger.

"Can you please move out of my way?" She asked him, glaring at him. Nott was blocking the corridor in the Hogwarts express which enabled Granger –and Blaise and I for that matter- to move on and head to wherever we wanted to go.

"Let me think." He told her, putting a hand to his chin while the other remained on the wooden wall. "No." He smiled.

"Theodore." Blaise nodded, when we approached them both.

"Blaise, how have you been?" Theodore nodded back. I looked at Granger who was passing behind him without anyone seeing her and laughed. Nott looked at me and smirked. "Parkinson, it's nice to see you." He winked.

"Let's sit here." I told Blaise pointing at a vacant compartment to my right, not acknowledging Nott. Blaise nodded and mentioned for me to get in first. I heard him say a quick goodbye to Nott while I sat down on one of the banquettes.

"So, how was the end of the holidays for you?" I asked, looking out of the window. There were still a few late students saying a rushed goodbye to their parents.

"As good as can be." He shrugged, looking as bored as I felt.

I nodded and put my back against the window. There was a time when I was young that I wished my family cared enough to see me off when I went to Hogwarts. At least Gardenia wouldn't have to feel like she was in a bottomless pit. This was the way I felt every time I left home without even a goodbye from my parent. Then again, Gard' would not attend Hogwarts… But whatever school she would go to later I would try my hardest to be at her side.

Blaise pulled me out of my thoughts when I heard him sigh. I realized suddenly that he didn't know about Gardenia but maybe I should tell him now instead of waiting for him to find out when Granger would open her mouth at school.

He would be so mad. I could I tell him without him thinking I… "I have a sister." I suddenly blurted out, opening my eyes out. Okay, this definitely wasn't the right way.

Blaise turned toward me, surprise.

"What do you mean?" He asked after a few minutes of silence, frowning slightly.

"I… Look Blaise I know I should have told you…. not a lot of people know it… she was a secret… I…." I stopped, pulling a hand through my hair, my speech as incoherent as my thoughts. I took a deep breath and started again. "I didn't want to tell you because I was forbidden to, not even Draco knows about her. I've been foolish enough to think that she was something we should keep out of people's knowledge because she's a squib. That's why you never met her." I sent him a small smile. I was looking at him intently, trying to gauge his reaction.

He was also watching me, confused.

"She's special you know. She's clever, and she has so much love and compassion it's unnerving." I laughed, my eyes filling with tears. "She's so much better than all of us." I whispered. "And I know you're mad and I'm sorry, so very sorry."

"I'm not mad." Blaise said after a little while.

"Are you sure?" I asked, my voice wavering.

"We all have our secrets." He shrugged.

I nodded, smiling at him but he was looking out of the window. I went to sit next to him and took his hand in mine.

"I'm sorry."

"I know." He replied still refusing to look at me.

A few hours passed without any of us speaking. Blaise seemed to be in his own little world.

"We'll be arriving shortly." He broke the silence which had descended upon us, still looking out of the window.

"You know, you never really told me what you wanted to do after Hogwarts." I told him, looking at our hands which were still holding tightly onto each other.

"Your words make it seems like I have a choice…. Do I have a choice?" He laughed humorlessly. "I'm going to work for my dad, and once he will decide to retire I will be the one to take over the family business."

I nodded at his bitter response. "I'm sorry." I squeezed his hand.

"You shouldn't be. I at least have something to do, I know what is planned for me." He said, turning toward me.

_Low blow_. "Sometime it's good to live in the moment." I fired back.

"It's not the way we live here, Pansy." Blaise replied, eyeing me tiredly. "We don't have dreams, we can't afford them, and our lives are already planned out. We know who we have to marry, what job we will be doing, and the routine of each day…"

"Well, don't you think it's time to change the way we live?" I asked, cutting him off. I sighed and looked out of the window, knowing how pointless this conversation or my statement for that matter, was. Things couldn't change, it was already too engraved in people's mind.

"Not so long ago you were one of us." He said, looking at me. "You were also afraid of taking the chance of running after your dreams and you were terrified of how your parents and the wizarding world would react."

"That's true." I said, tonelessly.

"What changed?" He asked.

"Nothing." I replied at a loss.

"Pansy, I know you. You wouldn't have done any of those things if something hadn't happen."

"Gardenia." I supplied.

"Only?" He fired back.

"Everything. I didn't like me anymore." I whispered, my eyes filling with tears. How I could forget that Blaise knew me so well was beyond me.

He squeezed my hand, trying to comfort me. "You know we will talk about all of it right?"

I nodded. "I also know you're mad."

He nodded back. "Come on, I'll let you change first. We're nearly there."

I turned toward him and sent him a small grateful smile while he stood up. He smiled back and kissed my head, going out of the door and closing the curtains with him. Hopefully that talk wouldn't happen today, I was already emotionally drained.

* * *

I winked at Blaise who went to sit down next to one of his dorm mate while I continued down the table. It was kind of good to be back, I didn't miss it but it was still great to see the candles floating above my head and the teachers supervising everything. I sat down right in the middle of the huge Slytherin table, smiling slightly.

"A place fit for a Queen." Theodore Nott smirked at me. "Shouldn't you be sitting with the paupers?" He asked, mentioning toward the end of the table where a few shy first years were sitting. The perfect spot if you wanted to live the great hall quickly.

"It isn't my family who is in bankruptcy." I smiled, turning toward Dumbledore who was going to start his boring speech.

"We aren't." Nott said fiercely, his voice could be barely heard behind the booming one of the headmaster.

"Really? It isn't what I heard from my father." I smirked innocently, inclining my head a bit.

He swallowed at that, looking uncomfortable_. I got you there love,_ I thought. Theodore's father was one of my father's _friends_ –if we could call it like that. Sometimes they also worked together, that's how I could without a doubt pull out information about his family. I just had to listen to my father when he was in his study, making floo calls and such.

"If someone here learns about this, it would put you in a really uncomfortable place." I smiled, twirling my hair around my finger while looking at Dumbledore who was sitting down. "You wouldn't want it to spread around, would you?" I asked, turning toward him and ignoring the food which had magically appeared on the table.

He nodded, glaring at me.

"Good. Now shut it, I'm hungry."

"What do I have to do to keep you quiet?" He spoke harshly, putting food in his plate.

I laughed, looking back at him. "This conversation had only one goal and it was for you to know that I had some blackmail material and that, if I see you cross _any_ lines or if I see you say or do something I don't like, I will just have to spread the little information I have about you." I smiled, raising an eyebrow as if to emphasize my point.

"You will regret this." He told me harshly.

"I'm pretty sure I won't." I winked, smirking. "So now if you would excuse me I will start eating." I smiled, waiting for him to acknowledge my statement.

He nodded, passing a hand in his hair and went back to his plate. I rolled my eyes at his foolishness and dared a glimpse at the Gryffindor table. Would Draco be there with the Weasley girl? I let my eyes glide over the many red and gold ties looking for a speck of green and silver. Instead, my eyes caught those of Hermione Granger who just frowned a bit, looking confused. I nodded at her, smirking and turned back toward my food. The event of today left me absolutely famished.

* * *

_Dear Gardenia,_

_I hope you are alright. It is late so my letter will be short. My journey to Hogwarts has been very good but I miss you terribly. I'm starting classes tomorrow and I will tell you all about my day in the letter that I will send you. What did you do today? I hope you had a good day._

_I love you very much and I can't wait until the next holidays._

_Love,_

_Pansy_

* * *

**I hope you all liked it! Let me know what you thought! :)**

**PS: sorry if there are any mistakes. **


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